


Hurts like hell this heart on my sleeve

by Icarus_fallen



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 11:14:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7755544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icarus_fallen/pseuds/Icarus_fallen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Season 3 finale the tale of two hearts trying to come to terms with the love they feel for each other and their shared history of pain and suffering.  Seriously, a love story without any torture (I'm shocked too).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hurts like hell by Fleurie

**Author's Note:**

> Rhia (the porn writing Jaded) here and if i go missing it's because my lovely fiance Sara (icarus) had me murdered. My laptop died and sad pathetic death that all Dell's seem to die. SO I was using her laptop tonight while she's busy dining with her RL academic co-author. Found this story (and a bunch of other not so finished stories) and decided to post for her. Be gentle cause I doubt she ever planned on posting it. I was not snooping either. The title of the document was surprising is all.

**How can I say this without breaking**

**How can I say without taking over**

**How can I put it down into words**

**When it’s almost too much for my soul alone**

            For being the FBI’s fourth most wanted, Raymond Reddington moved easily within the United States.  Tonight he found himself sitting inside a small bar where a beautiful lady sat at the piano playing soft songs about love lost and love gained.  There was something about her voice that drew you into the song, whether or not you cared for the subject matter.  By most men’s standards, the woman would not be pretty.  She was overweight, a bit too pale, but to him she was beautiful.  Maybe it was her old soul, the sound of her voice, or a mixture of all.  She was a beautiful woman, he thought to himself, not the type of woman he would sleep with, but one he could see classic beauty in. 

            His thoughts were interrupted by the impatient sound of the woman who he did love, despite his best efforts. 

“Lizzie.”  He did not smile at her, he did not feel happy upon seeing her.  She had faked her death to get away from him and had aligned herself with her father believing the worse of Redding.  She was always so willing to believe the worst of him, but the best of everyone else.  He often wondered why?  Why was it so easy for her to only see the monster and not the man behind the monster.  The man who wakes up mid-scream most nights because of the horrible things he has done throughout his life to stay alive, to keep her alive and safe.  What was so horrible about him, that she felt she had to fake her death to get away from him.  He had told her on multiple occasions, all she had to do was say the words, and he would disappear from her life.  His men wouldn’t, he would never leave her completely unprotected, but he would vanish. She would be rid of him and his blacklist.  How often had he wished she would speak the words, so he could be free of the insanity.  Because that was what their relationship was, pure insanity.  Repeating the same actions and expecting different results. 

“Reddington.”  She said taking her seat, the waiter quickly coming over with Red’s new scotch and taking Lizzie’s drink order.  They waited for the waiter to leave before they started to talk.

“You asked for the meeting.”  Red said shifting in his seat, his shoulder was still stiff as the tendons were still healing from the dislocated shoulder he had sustained during a deal gone wrong in Germany a few weeks back.  He had refused to wear the sling for long, not wanting to show weakness, and any injury was weakness.  Weakness in his world was like blood in the water for sharks, and sharks were always circling. 

“I’m sorry.”  She spoke trying to catch his eye, but he was annoyingly avoiding looking at her.

When he did not answer her, her frown deepened.  “Usually, when people say they are sorry you either say I forgive you or something, anything.”

“What happened?”  Red asked holding a sigh in, he was too tired for these games.  She was sorry now, but give it time she would be raging at him for something again.

“Kirk, my father, he lied.”  Lizzie said, “He lied about a lot of things.”

Red wanted to tell her no shit Sherlock, but he bit his tongue.  Saying anything to her, she would know how much it had hurt to have her believe her father over him.  How she had easily abandoned him, after all he had done to show her he loved her. 

“I know you were there the night of the fire.  But I know you did not start it.  I know now that you were not even there to cause problems.  My mom had called you.”

“Who told you this?”

“Tom.”  Lizzie answered, “Tom’s mom to be exact, Scottie Heartgrave.”

“How is Tom?”

“Good I think.  He ran off with his mother.”  She wanted to make an Oedipus joke but knew it was not the time or the place.  Weeks before she had not been in a joking mood about her almost husband abandoning their daughter and her to work with his mother.  But now she understood, she had been willing to look past her father kidnapping them, just to get to know the man.  Willing to believe every word he fed her about Reddington, just because he was her father. 

Red did not respond, he just took another sip of his scotch, he was staring at the lady at the piano again.  Wondering what her story was.  Did she know she had a supposedly dead woman and a wanted fugitive as her only audience in the bar? 

“Reddington,”  Lizzie said noticing that she did have his attention while she was talking. 

“Lizzie I’m tired.”  Red said, “I do not have the energy to placate your emotions today.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“When you ask for forgiveness with words, that is all you are doing.”  Red said, “Actions always speak louder than words.”

“So what am I suppose to do to prove to you I’m sorry.”

“You can’t.”  Red said a sad smile on his face as he realized the truth himself.  “There is nothing you can do.  We are stuck in a vicious circle, and I’m to dizzy to continue.” With that Red got up from his chair, dropping money onto the table, “I need to walk away like I should have so long ago.”

“Red please wait.”  Lizzie said reaching out and grabbing his hand pulling him back.  She got a hiss of pain from him, as she had grabbed his healing arm. 

“For what Lizzie?  What is the point?  You wanted to be free of me.  So much that you faked your death.  You got your wish.”

“No.”  Lizzie said, “That was not why I did it.”

“Then why Lizzie?  Why did you fake your death.”

“To keep my daughter safe.  To keep my family together.”  When she saw her words did not get through, when she saw nothing in his eyes where there once had been love, she felt the anger in her rise, “But you wouldn’t understand that.”

Red felt his blood pressure rise as his heart started to race inside his chest, “What do you mean?”  He wanted to give her a chance to take the words back, for her to say she was mistaken and meant to say something else, anything else.

“Unlike you, I cannot just abandon my family.”

Red yanked his arm away from her.  If it were anyone else, he would have pulled the gun from it’s holster inside of his coat and unloaded the clip in them.  But it was not anyone else.  He walked fast out of the bar not turning back to respond to her calling him. 

When he reached the black BMW, Dembe was waiting for him inside. 

“How did the meeting go Raymond?”  Dembe asked always hopeful that Elizabeth and Red would work out their issues.  He knew his brother loved the woman, and hated himself for loving her, despite everything.

“Just drive please Dembe.”  Red answered his cheek twitching as the anger continued to rage through him.  Once again, her words proved that all she thought of him was the worse.  She was unable to see past the label of criminal.  Despite everything he had done to show her otherwise.  He tried the breathing exercise the Buddhist monk he spent a month with had taught him, but the anger just kept burning through him.  It was betrayal, something he had faced before, but this was a special kind of betrayal.  It could only have been worse if Dembe had betrayed him.  It felt worse than when he found out Mr. Kaplan had betrayed him, even if she claimed it was to keep her promise.  This was what heartbreak felt like, he mused to himself, it had been decades since he felt this much pain caused by a woman he loved.


	2. Hurts like hell by Fleurie Part 2

**I loved, and I loved, and I lost you**

**I loved, and I loved, and I lost you**

**I loved, and I loved, and I lost you**

**And it hurts like hell**

**Yeah it hurts like hell**

 

Lizzie was fuming as she watched him walk out of the bar.  His voice, his response to her, had warned her not to follow.  So she sat there and finished her drink, listening to the young woman at the piano sing her sad song.  When she finished her drink, she pulled her phone out and texted her babysitter (Aram) to let him know she would be gone a bit longer. 

Eventually, Lizzie found herself outside what was left of the church she was to marry Tom in.  The memory of Red coming to her, and begging her not to go through with her marriage to Tom, played in her mind.  Every moment with him seemed to play through her mind tonight.  When he told her the story of the fish in Mexico, the North Star, and all of the times he comforted her.  All the times he did not judge her or her bad decisions.  He just sat there and listened and took what she gave like an abused dog being shown the first bits of love.  He always was there to take whatever she gave good or bad.  Red was her human punching bag, he called it her sin eater, but it was more than that.  He let her treat him like dirt, she realized, and Raymond Reddington did not allow many people treat him with any disrespect. 

She closed her eyes to try to clear her mind.  He had taught her a valuable lesson, to think like someone else.  He often told her to think like a criminal, but for now she was going to think like the trained psychologist she was.  If she had two patients come to her, with what she and Red had been through.  What would she tell them?  How could they fix the relationship?  She was not a couples therapist, but she had enough clinical psychology classes and experience to know how to analyze a situation. 

            Red had literally walked through fire to save her when she was a child.  She knew he had been injured in the process, but she did not know the extent of the energies.  Scottie Hargrave had told Tom just that Red had been injured, and her husband had helped Red seek out medical treatment. 

            Red had taken her abuse time and time again, except for this time.  This time, he did not take it.  This time, he did not fight back, he simply walked away. 

            She always had wondered what his motives were.  Why did he stay with her despite all of the venoms she aimed at him.  Even now, she knew if she called for help, he would send someone to help her, without question.  He once told her it was because of her father.  But her father was not a good person.  She did not know the extent of her father’s crimes, but she knew deep inside there was something rotten about the man.  When he had kidnapped his daughter, instead of just asking for what he needed.  Lizzie would have given him what he needed, without question because she was not as much of a monster as he was. 

            Even if he had something of respect left for her father, it could not be enough for him to be willing to lay his life down for her time and time again.  His actions spoke loudly, where his words had been silent.  Red did not care about his life, as long as she was safe. 

=========================


	3. Hurts Like Hell Part 4 by Fleurie

**I don’t want them to know the secrets**

**I don’t want them to know the way I loved you**

**I don’t think they understand it no**

**I don’t think they would accept me no**

**I loved, and I loved, and I lost you**

**I loved, and I loved and I lost you**

**I loved, and I loved, and I lost you**

**And it hurts like hell**

            Red looked at the little girl playing with some contraption that made noises.  He had not thought much of it when he told Dembe to take him to Arams.  He knew that Aram had been watching Agnes for Lizzie recently.  In truth, he knew her every move for months after he found her alive and well at Kirks.  She had accused him of vile things, he had known her father had whispered them to her, and she believed them.  Lizzie and Tom had made sure that Agnes was out of his life, but he needed to see the little girl.  He needed a reminder of why he had to protect Lizzie from herself and others.  Why his relationship with her mattered.  He needed to see something innocent, untouched by the cruel world. 

To say that Aram was nervous when he saw Mr. Reddington at his door was an understatement.  He tripped over his words while he invited the criminal into his house.

            “Mr. Reddington can I get you something to drink?”

            “No.”  Red answered adding, “Thank you” as an afterthought. 

            “What can I do for you?”  Aram asked shifting nervously while he watched Red who’s eyes were glued to Agnes.

            “I just needed a reminder.”

            Aram had long learned not to ask what.  The last time he had asked, Red was standing in front of a freshly dug grave.

            “She looks like her mom thankfully,”  Aram said watching the sweet little girl play with the toys he had purchased just for her.  He was honored Elizabeth trusted him to watch her daughter.

            “I best be going,”  Red said turning and leaving as quickly as he came in. 

            Red climbed back into the back of the black BMW when Dembe handed him the phone, “It is Elizabeth.”

            Red glared at his friend.  He was not quite ready to talk to Lizzie yet.

            “Reddington are you there?”  Lizzie's voice came through the headset.

            “Yes, Lizzie.”  He said his voice not showing any of the turmoil he felt at speaking to her.

            “We really need to talk.”  She heard the intake of breath on the other line, “Please.  I just want to talk to you.”

            “That does not work out well for us,”  Red said shifting in the backseat, his hand massaging his shoulder unconsciously trying to push down the pain that flared in the healing appendage.

            “Please. We will talk this time.”  She said, “I need to talk to you.”

            “Go home to your daughter Lizzie.”

            “Red you once told me if I ever need you, you would be there.”  She hated using this card but she needed to talk to him.

            “Please, not tonight Lizzie.”  Red’s voice was pleading, the same tone he had used when he tried to convince her not to marry Tom.

            “Can we talk tomorrow then?”  Lizzie said giving in because she heard the pain and exhaustion in Red’s voice.  She heard the pleading tone, that told her if she pushed he would speak to her tonight, even though it was clearly the last thing he wanted.

            “Yes.”

            “How about you come to my apartment around 5 pm.  You can see Agnes, she’s grown so much since the last time you saw her.”  Lizzie regretted bringing Agnes into it the minute she said it.  It was a reminder of how she had screamed at him to get out when her daughter was born, how she wanted to keep him away.  In her mind, Agnes would only be safe if Red never had anything to do with her.  She had used him as the easy scapegoat because he let her. 

            “I will see you tomorrow Lizzie,”  Red said hanging up the phone and tossing it back to Dembe in the front seat. 

            “She is truly sorry Raymond,”  Dembe said having had a short conversation with Lizzie while he waited for Raymond to return to the car.

            “For how long?”  Red said, “It never last very long.  Something will go bad, and it will all be my fault again.  Because I am a monster.”  He was the beast who never would get the beauty because this was real life and not a fairytale.  In real life, monsters were not allowed to be near those they loved, they were only allowed the anger and disdain from those they loved.  He did not deserve love, but he could not help but yearn for it.   Just once, he would love to feel her hands on his face, her lips on his lips, and her heart beating in her chest under his hands.  But all of that was just a dream.


	4. Heart of my Sleeve by Mary Lambert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, in the first chapter, the beautiful overweight girl I'm willing to bet was Mary Lambert. You know how most couples have a cheating list ( you can cheat with these people if the chance arose, but it's always famous people that will never happen) Sara (Icarus) number two was Mary Lambert. I'm not jealous at all (yes I am).

_Let me be your compass_

_The light that you see in the sunset_

_Good love, your whole life_

Lizzie frantically cleaned her apartment, picking up Agnes toys and the stray clothes she had yet to be able to wash and put away.  Dinner was simple, she had ordered out, and asked Dembe to pick it up when he brought Raymond over.  It was from a local restaurant that Red loved but rarely went to. 

            The previous night sitting outside of what was left of the church where she was to be married, she had a revelation.  A light bulb moment, that made her realize she had to fight for Red’s trust again.  We only hurt the ones we love, someone once told her that.  It took her losing Red to realize that she truly and deeply cared for him.  More than just a planktonic way, she had thought before.  No, she loved the insufferable man.  Both Raymond the man, and Reddington the legend and persona. 

            Red had tried to tell her with both his cryptic words and his overt actions that he loved her too.  That he was in love with her.  She was his world, and he had told her time and time again with his stories and actions.  She had been too stubborn to see his motives.  Too busy giving everyone else the befit of the doubt to even consider giving Red a chance. 

            Tonight would be difficult, she knew it.  It would be beyond difficult because she had accused him of something that she knew was not true.  He had told her time and time again, thinks like a criminal.  What he meant was think like the person she was profiling.  What motivated them?  What was their code because everyone had an unwritten set of rules they played by that were their very own.  Red’s was loyalty.  Complete loyalty to a fault that he would go into battle for those he loved.  A man like that, even after the stories she had heard about his past, would not walk away from his family.  She had seen it in his eyes when he spoke to his ex-wife.  She assumed the emotions she saw were a concern, that his wife would tell her everything about their shared past.  That was the probably she always assumed.  When it came to Raymond Reddington, she was blinded by him.  Her brain seemed to shut down and not think rationally when he was the subject matter.

            Right on time the intercom beeped alerting her that someone was outside waiting inside the secure building.  She used the video system to ensure it was Red and Dembe before she let them in.  She heard the footsteps of the two echoing down the hallways, and she felt her nerves increasing with each approaching step. 

            She was so nervous that she opened the door before either of them had a chance to knock.  “Come in please.”  She said moving aside to let them in.  Dembe had an amused smile on his face, but Red looked like a man walking to his execution. 

            “May I take your coats?”

            “I will be leaving.”  Dembe said, “I just brought in the food you ordered.”  He handed it over to Lizzie who took it.

            Red was standing in the living room shifting his weight between legs.  Agnes was inside of a baby pen sleeping.

            Lizzie noticed where Red’s attention was, and said, “You can pick her up if you wish.”

            Red frowned, “I better not.” 

            “Why?”  Lizzie said, “She’s a sound sleeper.  You won’t disturb her.” 

            “My shoulder is not quite up to par,”  Red answered back now standing over the playpen.  He was too afraid that he might drop her if his shoulder could not take the extra weight.

            “Well then sit on the couch and I’ll hand her to you,”  Lizzie said returning from the kitchen.   “I will need a few more minutes to set up the dinner table anyways.”

            Red looked at her seeing that she was serious, and in truth, he really wanted to hold the little girl and feel her soft baby skin.  Children always reminded him that the world was not all bad, that there was still good in it.  People were not born monsters, monsters were made over time. 

            Lizzie grabbed her sleeping daughter out of the playpen and walked over to Red.  She gently lowered the little girl into his arms, “If you need help just let me know.”  She said after making sure Red had the little girl under control.

            When she returned from setting up the table and cleaning the last few things out of the dining room, she returned to find Red sniffing her daughter's head. 

            “She didn’t poop did she?”  Lizzie said frowning because her daughter had lovely timing.  Nothing like a shitty diaper before dinner.

            “No.”  Red said a bit embarrassed, “I have not smelled a baby in a long time.”

            Lizzie smiled at her, “Well you are lucky.  She’s a little poop factory.” 

            Red smiled at her, a gentle smile that almost reached his eyes.

            “Dinner is ready if you are?”  Lizzie informed him.

            Red stood up slowly careful of the little girl in his arms.  Lizzie watched as he walked her back over to the playpen and laid her down.  She saw him flinch in pain as he stood back up, a hand moving to his shoulder.

            “Are you ok?”  She asked worried about him.

            “Fine.”

            “I have some salve I can put on it to help with pain.”  She did not know the injury but she guessed bruises.  If it was a knife or gunshot wound, she would have assumed Dembe would have told her.  Plus Red had some movement in the arm.

            “It will be fine,”  Red said waving her off with his good hand.

            She led him into the dining room, the table was set and plates already made.  “Dembe told me this was your favorite restaurant, but you rarely go.”

            Red frowned at the memory.  He had not gone to the restaurant in a long time, ever since LuLu’s death.  It had been a place they both enjoyed.  It reminded him of her too much, of how he had failed to protect her.

            “I hope you are hungry.  I ordered a lot of food.  It was the only way I could get them to do takeout.”  Lizzie said.

            “Next time drop my name.”  Red said, “We use to order from there a lot.”

            They ate in silence for awhile, Red wondering when Lizzie would tell him why she asked him over.

            It was not until she had finished eating that she finally spoke, “I’m sorry.”

            “You said that already.”

            “I know we’ve been here before.”  She said, “And we will likely be here again. But please just listen to me, Raymond.” 

            Red noted the use of his first name, something she had never used before.  Had she one it to show him she meant business? 

            When she did not speak again for a few seconds he said, “Go ahead I’m all ears.”

            “I am sorry.  I was wrong about a lot of things.  I know you did not abandon your family, and it was a low blow for me to throw that in your face.  You are not the type of man that would walk away from his wife and child.”

            She paused studying his face, a blank mask.  “I know this now.  When it comes to you, for some reason I have a blind spot.  I thought it was because you are so infuriating at times dancing around what you want to tell me, but never directly saying it.  Using stories and actions instead of direct statements.  You love me.”

            Red did not deny it.

            “I know this now.  You’ve been trying to tell me without saying it for a long time.  And each time you try, I throw it back in your face shortly after.  I know how much that has to hurt for a man like you.”

            “A man like me?”  HE asked not denying her statements yet.

            “Someone who does not trust easily.  You have a very small group of people you let in.  Dembe is about it now.  Kaplan told me you froze her out after she helped me.  Those two were it for you.  You see vulnerability in caring about others.  And yet despite all of this, you still love me.  You love my daughter like she was your own, despite her father and mother.  You care, and I take advantage of it.  I know that you will always be there.  So I blame you and scream at you because it is much easier than accepting that I made a lot of bad decisions in my life and let these things happen.  You have some blame, but you have long made up for your misdeeds towards me.” 

            Lizzie was going off script now and just ranting, “You only hurt the ones you love Red.  And I tried to hurt you, to push you as far away because somewhere I knew I loved you too.  I knew how dangerous it was because this is not just any love.  It’s an all-consuming love. Where all we do is keep hurting each other because we are too afraid we are not good enough for the other and we know if anything goes wrong it will be impossible to recover from loving someone this deeply.” 

            Red went to speak, but Lizzie stopped him, “I know none of this will make up for everything that I have said and done.  How I keep raking you over the coals when all you have done is be there for me.  I know it is an uphill battle.  We are damaged, both of us, but I think we could fix that damage together.  I think we could help each other heal from all of our old wounds.  I want to try with you.  I know it is too late for that.  I will respect your wish and leave you alone.”  Tears were streaming down his face because part of her had hoped that Red would give into her emotional plea.  That he would forgive her, but his blank face told her otherwise.  “I want you in my daughter's life.  However, you want to be.  You are always welcomed.  But I will not push any of this one you.” 

            Red just started at her.  The blood was rushing through his body and all he heard was the pounding of his heart in his ear.  “Thank you for dinner, Lizzie,”  Red said getting up so quickly he almost knocked the chair down.  He rushed out of the apartment, leaving Lizzie crying at the table, and Agnes sleeping soundly still in the playpen.

 


	5. Heart on my sleeve part 2 by Mary Lambert

_Let me be, one hand finding one hand_

_Two hearts making amends_

_With themselves at their ends_

_Cause I’m not sure how I was before_

_But the day I saw you at your door_

_You opened up the things I shut, the things I shut_

 

            “Raymond, are you ok?”  Dembe asked when his friend piled into the car. 

            “Yes take us home,”  Red said his voice gruff.  He did not speak again the entire trip and as soon as they reached the safe house, Red retired to his room. 

            Red sat on the bed, not sleeping the entire night.  Lizzie’s words playing over and over in his head.  He heard her tears as he walked away from her, ran way.  He was a coward when it mattered.  She was offering him everything he wanted, and he could not take it.  Would not take it because he knew she deserved so much better than he could offer her and Agnes.  Plus it would only be a matter of time before something went wrong or he screwed up and she would push him away.  She was right, the way he loved her, it was the type of love that were written about in tragic Greek mythologies or Shakespearean plays. He would never recover if she ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped on it. 

            The next morning Red walked into the kitchen, his shoulder was bothering him a lot today. It ached and pain shot down from the sore joint and tendons down to his fingers and back up.

            Dembe did not acknowledge Red when he walked into the kitchen.  Red thought maybe his friend was too busy reading the paper to notice, so he greeted him, “Morning Dembe.”

            Dembe lowered the paper and glared at Red. Dembe was a gentle man but he was also a man who’s bad side you never wanted to be on.  So the glare was almost enough to stop Red in his tracks.

            “What?”  Red asked seeing that there was no coffee or food ready for him. 

            “You know what you did Raymond.”

            “Clearly not,”  Red said reaching out to make coffee finding they were all out of coffee.  “Seriously you used the last of the coffee and threw it out?”  Red said finding his friend's action petty. 

            “You are a coward.”

            “I’ve been telling you that all along.”  Red joked, but it had been the truth.

            “She confessed her love for you and you ran away.”

            Anger boiled inside of Red because he knew he had been wrong to run out on her, slamming the coffee pot down it shattered, “DO you think I don’t know I fucked up.”

            “How are you going to fix it?”  Dembe asked not flinching at Red’s wrath. 

            “I’m not.”  Red said, “She is better without me.”

            “Is that not for her to decide?”  Dembe said, “Because she chose Raymond.  She chose you.  With all of your flaws, and quirks she chose you.”

            “She is confused.”

            “She did not seem confused to me.”

            “What are you two the best friends now?  You may remember not too long ago she faked her death to get away from me.”

            “She was worried about her child Raymond.  She was hormonal and almost lost her child during childbirth.  That weasel Tom was in her ear the entire time.  Clear decisions were not being made.”  Dembe defended Lizzie.

            “What do you want me to do?”  Red said at his wits ends with his friend.  He hated that Dembe could make valid points.

            “Make it up to her.  At least give her a chance.”

            “I can’t.”  Red said, “I can do anything but that.”

            “Why?  What are you so afraid of?”  Dembe asked, “Because Kirk is out of the picture.  You are clear of the cabal.  You still have some enemies, but no one we cannot handle.”

            “It is not that she will get hurt,”  Red said thought that was part of it.

            “Then what?”  Dembe asked staring at Red.

            “When it goes wrong, I won’t recover Dembe.  She will be the end of me.”

            “What makes you think it will all go wrong?”

            “This is not the first time she has changed her mind.  I’m either a monster or her savior but never in between.”

            Dembe sighed, “It is not about her.  It is about you, Raymond.  You can love again and be loved again.  You are deserving of it.  You let me in.  A scared teenager who lashed out at you each time you tried to get close to me.  But you let me in.”


	6. The end

_Fast speed, for my heart on my sleeve_

_You’re the one I gotta have_

_Might be just what I need_

_You’re the one I gotta have_

 

            It had been over a week of the silent treatment from Dembe.  It had been a very quiet week.  Too quiet for Red’s likes.  His shoulder was giving him fits of pain, and he knew exactly why.  It was his own guilt for how he had treated Lizzie’s confession of love. 

            On two separate occasions, he had taken a trip with Baz in tow because Dembe refused to be in his presences at the moment. Each trip was to Aram’s house to see Agnes when Red knew Lizzie was not around.  He did not hold the little girl for fear of tainting her.  Eerily he just sat there on Aram’s uncomfortable couch and watched Agnes play.  Right before Lizzie was to pick the little girl up Red left, with Aram’s promise not to tell Lizzie he had been there.

            It was the third time that Lizzie finally caught him.  He was leaving as she was entering the building.  She gave him a sad frown but said nothing to him as they passed.

            Red saw the pain he had caused her, it was clear in her eyes.  It made his shoulder ache worse.  This time, he had been alone, needing Baz had been ill with the flu. 

            Before he knew what he was doing, he found  himself driving over to Lizzie's.  He sat outside watching her take her daughter in.  He followed her progression through her apartment as lights came on in various rooms.  There he sat for hours until all the lights turned off and the apartment remained dark until the early morning. 

            He repeated the action of sitting outside of her apartment each night for the next three nights.  It was on the fourth morning when he woke up in the car to a phone buzzing in his pocket, his shoulder screaming in pain. Grabbing the phone out of his pocket, he groaned in agony, his injured shoulder complained about his sleeping position, “hello.” 

            “Where are you, Raymond?”  Dembe asked sounding worried.

            “Somewhere,”  Red said sitting up in the seat stifling a pained groan. 

            “Someone has been sitting in a car outside of Lizzie’s apartment for the past three nights.  She just called me worried.”  Dembe said, “She cannot see who is inside.  It could be nothing, but I thought it better to be safe.”

            “Dembe there is no need to worry.”

            “What do you mean?”  Dembe asked confused by his friend.

            “It’s me,”  Red said looking up at the window of Lizzie’s apartment.  He had not seen her look out at him at all.

            Dembe did not respond, silence filled the line.

            “You still there Dembe?”

            “Yes.”  Dembe said, “I am calling Lizzie on the other phone to let her know not to worry.”

            Red heard Dembe greet Lizzie and inform her that there was nothing to worry about.  They knew who was sitting outside her apartment for the last three nights.  He did not explain anything else and she did not ask questions from what Red could hear. 

            “Are you going to talk to her or keep stalking her?” Dembe asked clearly annoyed with his friend.

            “I do not think I have an option,”  Red said looking out his window seeing Lizzie quickly approaching his car clearly angry.  “I got to go Dembe.”  He hung up before the other man could say anything.

            Lizzie slowed when she saw who was in the car, but she still felt anger for having spent two nights thinking she was crazy and then worrying herself sick on the third night.   She knocked on the window, much harder than she had meant to.

            Red slowly opened the door to ensure he did not hit her with it.  Getting out of the car, his left hand held his right shoulder trying to keep the agony to a bearable level.

            “What are you getting at.”  Lizzie snapped.

            Red could not help but think that she looked like the most beautiful creature.  Even in the early morning hours after clearly not having slept well the last few nights.  She had no makeup on and he still thought she was the most beautiful thing he had seen since the birth of Jennifer which only slightly beat his first glimpse at Carla as she walked down the aisle of the church in her wedding dress.  “Can we speak inside?”

            “Yes,”  Lizzie said feeling some of her anger leave her as she saw that Red was clearly in pain.  She ushered him inside careful not to touch him.  Once they were inside, she went to the kitchen, “Would you like some coffee?”

            “Yes please,”  Red said taking a seat at the table while Lizzie brought two cups of coffee out.

            “I’m sorry I worried you.”  Red said, “It was not my intention.”

            “What are you doing sitting outside of my apartment Red?” 

            “Thinking,”  Red said. 

            “You cannot do that at your safe house.”

            “No.  It’s too quiet and I can feel Dembe’s glares through the walls.”  Red joked noting a slight smile on Lizzie's face. 

            “So you choose to sit outside of my apartment.”

            “Yes,”  Red said trying to rotate his shoulder but instantly realizing it was a bad idea when he felt bone grinding against bone and tendons threatening to tear. 

            “Are you ok?”

            “I injured my shoulder a few weeks ago in Germany.  Sitting in the car for hours on end has not helped.”

            “I have some salve that will help take the pain away.”  Lizzie said, “Assuming it is a muscular issue.”

            “I dislocated it,”  Red said shocking Lizzie with his honesty at the injury.  He often tried to hide how injured he was from her.

            “It will help.”

            “Please,”  Red said lowering his head knowing he did not deserve her kindness.

            When she returned she helped him take his coat off, then his vest, and finally she unbuttoned his shirt.  With his good hand, he stopped her. 

            “What?”  She asked her fingers feeling the soft hairs on his chest.  It took all of her willpower not to run her fingers through that soft blonde hair.

            Red swallowed, “I just wanted to warn you.”

            “About what?”  She asked her hand still resting on the flesh of his chest as if it were the most normal thing ever.

            “I have scars on my back.”

            “I figured as much.  Your tales have…”

            Red stopped her, “Not exactly the everyday scar.  My entire back is scarred.”  He said, “It’s rather unappealing.”

            “Oh,”  Lizzie said running her hand on her own scar on her wrist.  She had thought she broke herself of that habit, of rubbing her scar for courage, as she had not done it for months now.  But here she was doing again now.  “Is it from the fire?”

            “Yes,”  Red said closing his eyes. 

            “I knew you had been injured.”  She said.

            “I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything.”

            “Don’t worry Raymond.”  She said her hand gently running over his chest both of them surprised at the use of his first name, “I already know my feelings for you, and no amount of scarring will change that.”

            With that she moved to take his shirt off, gently removing it from the shoulder that was multi-colored with healing bruises and a small incision where a doctor had to repair one of the badly torn tendons.  The stitches had already dissolved.  Gently she applied the cold salve to his skin, watching his face to make sure she was not hurting him.  He sat stiff as a statue, she half expected him to shatter under her touch.  When she finished she washed her hands while he slowly started to try to dress.  She stopped him grabbing his shirt, “Can I please take a closer look?”

            Red shrugged and let his shirt fall back down.  He felt her warm hands on his back, it was not so much feeling her hands, as thinking he could feel them run over the scars gently on his back.

            “Do they hurt?”

            “Only occasionally and the doctors tell me it’s phantom pain.”

            Before she could stop herself she found herself kissing one of the scars, “Thank you.”  She whispered into his ear.

            “I told you there was no need to thank me.”  He said getting up and moving away from her touch.  It felt too nice. 

            She stepped back from him seeing that she had backed him into a corner. 

            “We should talk.”  He said moving so that the chair was between them.

            “Ok.”  Lizzie said, “Agnes will sleep for another hour probably.”

            “I’m sorry about how I reacted,”  Red said not needing to say what they both knew. 

            “I should not have unloaded all at once on you like that.”

            “No, you had every right to say how you felt.”  Red said looking her in the eye, “I just was not ready to hear it.”  He paused to study her, god how did he love her, “If I’m honest with you.”

            She quipped to help him settle the nerves she saw, “You promised to never lie to me.”

            “I know.”  He smiled at her, “If I’m honest I was scared.  You scare me, Lizzie.”

            “Why?”  She asked not moving closer to him.

            “Because the power you have.  I would do anything for you and I cannot stop myself even when I know it could end in my death and the death of those I care about.”  He continued, “I will not be able to recover from losing you.”

            “You won’t lose me, Raymond.”

            “Yes, I will.”  He said frustrated that she could not see, “I will screw up somehow, or someone will come between us, or I will get old and you will find someone better.  I’m already old Lizzie.”

            “I know you are old Raymond.”  Lizzie smiled, “But I love you.  You Raymond all of you just as you are.”

            “You think.”

            “No, I know.”  She snapped at him, “You do not get to presume what I feel.  I know exactly what I feel for you.  I have been fighting it since the first time I saw you in that ridiculous box at the post office.  I lusted after you, and slowly it developed into love.  I just did not want to admit it.”

            Red did not speak for a full minute, they just stood to stare at each other waiting for the other to say something.  Red finally spoke, “You once told me after the Dijon that your desire,” pausing to find the words, “That your dream was to walk in a park holding your daughter hand in one hand and your husbands in another.”

            “Yes.”

            “Is that still your desire?”

            “Yes.”

            “I can never give that to you Lizzie.  I will always be a criminal on the look out for the law enforcement officer looking to make his name off arresting me or worse one of my enemies or allies coming after me to get a piece of what I have.”

            “I know this,”  Lizzie said.

            “Clearly, you do not because you are saying you are willing to give that all up to be with me.”

            “Yes, I am.”  Lizzie said, “But I do not have to give it up.  Raymond, I was afraid to tell you then that when I pictured doing that, it was you who’s hand I held.  We can make this work.”

            Red sat down feeling every bit exhausted as he was sure he looked.  “I cannot take that away from you.”

            Lizzie grabbed his face and he did not resist her pulling his head up so he had to look at her, “I’m not asking you to.  I am telling you I chose you.  It has been you for awhile.  If you had manned up at my shame of a wedding and told me that you loved me then, I would have run off with you and never thought twice about Tom.  But I was blinded by my not wanting to love you, of my not wanting you to be the one, to see that I loved you and you loved me.”

            “See even you admit..”

            She kissed him to shut up, “It feels good doesn’t.”  She said when she pulled away, “I was afraid to Raymond.  Don’t hold it against me.  I don’t hold your fears against you.”

            Red leaned forward kissing her again feeling her warm lips against his.  It just felt right.  Like the all of the stars had aligned in the night sky and all was well. 

            “Just give us a chance please.”  She said pulling away from his kiss.  “We can take it slow.”

            “Isn’t that suppose to be my line.”  Red joked his arms now wrapped around Lizzie’s torso, the pain in his shoulder considerably less.  He rested his head against her stomach taking in her smell and the feel of her body. 

            “Is that a yes?”

            “Yes.”  Red said, “But I can tell you now you are going to be the death of me.”

 

_I could be_

_Let me be_

_I could be your_

_I could be your hearts speed_

_Running as fast as the beat will take us_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come on leave a review you know you want to. You know you don't want Sara to be mad at me. It means less work on other stuff cause i'm laptopless.

**Author's Note:**

> Review please it will help her not kill me if people like this. Seriously she wont' kill me but she'll probably be pissed and she will be less pissed if folks actually like it, i did. I did not clean any of it up, it's all her. All I did is make the red squigly lines go away.


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